Strange things are occurring. I may or may not be having a mid-life crisis. I’m thirty in a few months – is that even mid-life? God that’s depressing, don’t think about that. Perhaps just a crisis then. Just some kind of crisis. I’m not particularly concerned I’ve already survived a nervous breakdown and an emergency C-section.
A small crisis is nothing.
I’ve acquired a strange habit over the last few weeks. Waking around 3am to drink tea, watch history docs on the Iplayer and write. Blog write, free lance write, crappy write that gets scrapped the next day. Write, write, write. Then I get on, get ready and crack on with my normal working day. Its like some weird addiction, I feel cleansed and guilty and exhausted. I’ve never been so motivated. I’ve always been sensible, regimented – boring even. Now I’m all over the internet talking about mental breakdowns and vaginas (unrelated). I’ve awoken some kind of demon-within through this blog and now the creature is running away with me and I can’t quite catch up.
I’ve also instigated us moving house (again – oh the joys of renting) only this time voluntarily because school-choosing time is creeping up on us and where we are now, isn’t really ideal. I don’t want to live somewhere where my husband is putting our son in the car on his way to work and is approached by a drunk man asking him if he knows where his house is because he is so fucking drunk he can’t remember. I don’t want to live some place where people think its socially acceptable to have their domestic disputes in the street, on a Tuesday night at 3am.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve shouted at my husband whilst off my tits drunk and vomiting through my nose but at least I had the dignity to do it in my own home and not scare the neighbours.
We want to be somewhere quieter, greener, somewhere with a good pub and a good school in walking distance – that’s pretty much our criteria. I want to have a nice garden, with flowers and weird bugs and a paddling pool. I want it not to take half an hour to run a sodding bath because the water pressure is so crappy. I want terrestrial television back for fucks sake. I want to know with one hundred percent conviction that the people who live next door to us are not in fact drug dealers. Instead of just being optimistically hopeful about it all because they seem so friendly.
I want to make some changes. Changes for the future, for all of us and its all going to start here, this year, with my mid-life crisis.
This month I was offered a monthly contract for some free lance writing, off the back of this blog. Yes, off the back of this terrible blog. This blog right here with all its swearing and all its sarcasm. Its all very surreal and I am completely winging it. You see I don’t write for a living, I work in an accounts department as a Financial Controller. I like my day job, its challenging and I have no intentions of changing it and running off pretending to be Margaret Atwood. But because ten months ago I opened a Blogger account and wrote this shockingly bad post and then another and another – I now have a second source income, which might mean that one day I can pay off my credit card or even go on holiday next year. It might even mean I get offered other free lance writing work in the future.
Or it might not.
But if I had said NO, I would never find out would I?
So I said yes.