No child of mine will ever have a dummy.

Oh the absurd things I used to say before I was a parent, before I had a clue. Before I found out that a person can go without sleep for four days straight and not die. Before I found out that a person can go without a shower for four days straight and not give a shit.

I don’t care what anyone else says, dummies are the single, most important invention ever created by humans. Screw electricity and air travel and light bulbs – dummies man, dummies are a revelation.

Up until our son was a week old, I was anti-the-dummy, I was judgmental-about-the-dummy. I didn’t buy any in my pre-baby pregnancy hauls, it didn’t even cross my mind. Having no actual parenting experience myself, having probably held a baby about three times for a cumulative total of around twelve minutes, I knew that no child of mine would ever need a dummy. I mean its just lazy parenting right? Can’t be arsed to figure out why your baby is screaming – shove a dummy in its gob, that will shut it up.

What I didn’t know is that sometimes most of the goddamn time  you cannot, you never will figure out why your baby is screaming and crying and losing its proverbial shit (or its actual shit). You can go around and around in that cycle of feeding, changing, rocking, singing and googling in desperation ‘Why does my baby cry all the time?’ but you will never find out, because here’s the thing:

Babies Can Be Arseholes

And here’s another thing :

Babies Like To Have Things In Their Mouths

Fingers, thumbs, dummies – your left tit, you name it they love it. So give them what they want I say and give yourself what you need, a dummy and five minutes silence. I thought by giving my son a dummy I was condemning him to life of bucked teeth, a life of being a needy, sniveling toddler who couldn’t function without his dum-dum. But what I got was a baby who settled easier, slept better and calmed down quicker.

It was glorious.

When we gave him the dummy as a newborn, we said adamantly “just for six months” but by then he had just started to sleep through the night and there was no way we were going to rock that boat. No way in hell. So we moved that forward to a year old, telling ourselves that as long as he was having a bottle, the dummy was ok. Truth was he had that dummy for sleeping (observe that qualification) for months and months longer, we had hundreds of the damn things in draws, handbags, under sofa’s. The amount we spent on them was probably ludicrous for a bit of plastic and rubber but believe me, every. single. penny. was worth it. Then at around eighteen months, we just said enough was enough, through them all out and explained to him he couldn’t have a dummy – yeah we made that kid go cold turkey.

And you know what, within twenty four hours it was fine. He went back to his routine, he carried on napping and sleeping through sans-dummy and we all moved on with our lives.

He also has perfectly nice teeth, just in case you wondered.

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Yep, that’s ma wine.
No Child Of Mine Will Ever Have A Dummy

46 thoughts on “No Child Of Mine Will Ever Have A Dummy

  • May 18, 2016 at 9:01 am
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    The Mrs. and me, we would pray (in an atheistic way) that our Little and Big would keep it in their mouths–never lasting more than a second or two. But, on anther hand, we saw how truly coordinated they both were at a very young age, hurling that thing across the room. Oy.

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  • May 18, 2016 at 9:03 am
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    hahaha! I said my girls would never have dummies too.
    They both did.
    It’s so funny how we change when we actually become parents.
    Great post!

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  • May 18, 2016 at 6:46 pm
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    It all goes to pot when they are screaming and won’t keep the dummy in their mouth in our house! Like holy god what do we do now, actually parent??! We lasted two weeks before the dummy came out, now I’m on countdown till she can put it back into her mouth all on her own!

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  • May 19, 2016 at 6:16 am
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    I was the same, absolutely hated dummy’s, had my first and I caved one night when I’d had about an hours sleep and he would not stop screaming. I tried to only give it to him for naps and sleeping though (although it didn’t always happen ☺️). My second little boy doesn’t have one and hasn’t really needed it. It’s amazing how much they can differ. A very honest and funny blog, thank you. Gem (aka Colleyswobbles) #stayclassy

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  • May 19, 2016 at 7:04 am
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    Brilliant post. I often think back to the things I used to say or think B.C. (before child) and I roll my eyes, just like Britters did on this post!!! I didn’t have a sodding clue! #stayclassy

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  • May 19, 2016 at 7:05 am
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    You only have the one kid, right? Be warned, the second may not want a dummy! Our eldest had one until six months and then spat it out, never to be used again. Child two; thumb sucker. Never been near a dummy. Dummies have their uses. I wanted to avoid them but they served a purpose. Should never get too judegmental in these situations. We now just have to wean the youngest off her thumb before her teeth are crooked! #BrillaintBlogPosts

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  • May 19, 2016 at 7:29 am
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    I was always on the fence with dummies. I brought them ready for if we needed them and just had a ‘we’ll see how it goes’ approach. My eldest found his thumb and never took a dummy and my youngest used one for about four weeks before he changed his mind! I have no issues with dummies and it totaly baffles me how they can be such a ‘hot’ issue that people enforce their opinions on (especially when they don’t agree with them!) #stayclassy

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  • May 19, 2016 at 7:58 am
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    This was me! Of course we gave in and at 16 months he still loves it! We only use it for sleep times and it helps as a great ‘signal’ that it’s time to calm down and think about sleeping #brillblogposts

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  • May 19, 2016 at 9:02 am
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    haha! wine in the background! love it!!

    I always KNEW my kids would have dummies, I had seen too much before hand lol – we made them give them up at special occasions, like giving it to the Easter Bunny in return for a massive egg! It worked! funny post! #stayclassy

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  • May 19, 2016 at 9:08 am
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    We said similar things. We ate our words as well. Now I figure the nice thing to do isn’t to laugh in the faces of new mum’s to be who say similar things. They’ll learn the hard way just like we did!

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    • May 19, 2016 at 12:23 pm
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      I think this is so important – I’ve had quite a few opportunities to give it all, “AHAHA YOU THINK THAT NOW BUT JUST YOU WAIT…” to child-free friends and mums-to-be, but I’ve had to remember not to. We *all* do it, on some parenting thing or another, and we all end up learning as we go along.

      No point serving up their humble pie before it’s cooked, I reckon 😀

      Reply
  • May 19, 2016 at 9:28 am
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    Oh the dummy cold turkey… I remember it well, though ours wasn’t exactly planned, we went on holiday and he threw his in front of a train. After that I just figured it was meant to be… #StayClassy

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  • May 19, 2016 at 9:31 am
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    love it!! dummies saved my sanity both my boys had them didn’t affect their teeth or speech (as the professionals warned me) and both just had them at night. xx #stayclassy

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  • May 19, 2016 at 9:34 am
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    I didn’t want to use dummies at first either because I was afraid of nipple confusion when I was first breastfeeding, which I’m pretty sure isn’t even a real thing. We gave in around 4 weeks because she was screaming like crazy all the time – and it helped. It’s not perfect – sometimes she doesn’t want anything to do with her dummy – but she often uses them to help her sleep. And I’ll do ANYTHING to get her to sleep. #StayClassy

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  • May 19, 2016 at 9:35 am
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    I’m a firm believer of, ‘Whatever works don’t rock the boat’ I tried my hardest to get my little boy to take a dummy but he just refused, I think it’s probably a blessing now but looking back on the early newborn days- those were dark days when a dummy would’ve solved so much! #stayclassy

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  • May 19, 2016 at 9:54 am
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    I always said I would never ever co-sleep and guess what…….. 😉

    My two year old still has her dummy at night time. After such a horrendous time with her older brother never sleeping (he’s four and still wakes at night) I do whatever it takes to get some sleep and she sleeps all night with the dummy so what you gonna do?

    #stayclassy

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  • May 19, 2016 at 10:15 am
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    I’m amazed at the things I said I’d never do as a parent before we even had kids, its laughable, I literally knew nothing! Our son wouldn’t take a dummy- so no peace for us ha ha. Cool post. #stayclassy

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  • May 19, 2016 at 10:42 am
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    Haha I was exactly the same!! Great post, said with such wit. Thanks for making me laugh. I’m about to go cold turkey on my 18m old daughter and just got a 3 week old who can’t quite figure out the dummy. Can you remember that stage when they look like a blind Rottweiler trying to find a bone? Yup, that’s him. Take the dummy dammit – you’ll be much happier son! 😉

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  • May 19, 2016 at 10:48 am
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    Yup! The dummy has saved many a catastrophic moment in my household. #stayclassy

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  • May 19, 2016 at 12:11 pm
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    I used them with my boys but they only liked them when they were very young. I still remember my oldest was 12 months and he found one but had no clue how to use it by that point! They certainly help for those moms when momma needs some calm, my nipples are too sore to help you time! Great post! #stayclassy

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  • May 19, 2016 at 12:48 pm
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    Excellent, made me chuckle, baby’s are arseholes. All these preconceptions of what is right and wrong go out the window when you just want the screaming to stop! Mummy’s just need wine.

    #stayclassy

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  • May 19, 2016 at 2:31 pm
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    I never really said anything pre-baby but man was I disappointed when NEITHER of my kids would take a dummy… instead, I got to be a human pacifies… um, ya, not cool lol
    LOVE the wine in your pic, made my day! 🙂

    Simply Shaunacey

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  • May 19, 2016 at 2:39 pm
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    My daughter would only use one type and we had to go out and buy it in bulk as we could never find them! Ironically I found one the other day and showed her and she just shrugged!! She’s 5 now, and has beautiful teeth! hanks for hosting #stayclassy

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  • May 19, 2016 at 2:49 pm
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    Sometimes I feel like a human dummy, and I wish I’d just used a real one instead… #Stayclassy

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  • May 19, 2016 at 3:55 pm
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    Hahah we said the exact same thing about the dummy and although my first refused it, it wasn’t for the want of trying. With my third she LOVED the dummy, so much so that four years later we went through absolute hell taking it from her!! I would have given my fourth and fifth one should they have wanted, anything to stop the screeching!!! #stayclassy

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  • May 19, 2016 at 4:58 pm
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    YES! When I read your title, I was like noooooo but then I realised you were just being clever and luring us in. GENIUS! I was like you and I to was told by my mum and the mother in law that a dummy is a big no, they will end up with buck teeth, no brains, you name it, they told me the horror story. What they didn’t tell me was that it is a sanity saver!! The only time she was happy for the first 6 months was when she had a dummy. I was then told that I was making a rod for my own back and we would never be able to get rid of it. Hmmm, I am happy to report that I too now a six year old who is dummy free and has lovely straight teeth. Dummies are AMAZING! #stayclassy

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  • May 19, 2016 at 6:28 pm
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    I also said some ridiculous things in the early days of motherhood…things like “no cbeebies” actually left my mouth. I so wish my daughter would have a dummy, she has no way to self soothe whereas my son was a thumb-sucker! Long live the dummy! #stayclassy

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  • May 19, 2016 at 7:18 pm
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    Good for you babe! I hate the judgement you get sometimes from people who “would never use a dummy”! I’d like to hear them say that when they’ve got a screaming baby at 3am! Annoyingly Josh wouldn’t take a dummy but will suck on muslin for hours on end ha ha xx #stayclassy

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  • May 19, 2016 at 7:25 pm
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    Oh I too uttered those words and when my little one was crying and crying for what seemed 15 hours straight she suddenly went quiet – I ran into the lounge to see if she was finally sleeping and there she was with a dummy in her mouth fast asleep sucking to her heart’s content (hubby had given her the dummy) – I have to say I never looked back! Can I just say that I really enjoyed this post – I love the way you write and I love your blog theme – really fresh and clean and easy to read! #stayclassy

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  • May 19, 2016 at 10:10 pm
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    Ah, the ideals we all have before we enter the world of sleep deprivation! Very funny, and very well written. #StayClassy

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  • May 20, 2016 at 9:18 am
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    I said exactly the same before I had a baby but now I realize babies need to suck to soothe I’d be quite happy for her to have one rather than use me! Unfortunately of course she won’t take a dummy but I keep trying, hopefully one day! #Stayclassy

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  • May 20, 2016 at 10:07 am
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    Excellent post! Laughed all the way through it. Yes, I was similarly anti-dummy before I had a baby … then when she got colic I was desperately trying to force one on her. As it turned out she was a dummy refuser anyway … gah! I’m sure I said loads of stupid things before I had kids about how I planned to raise them. Hehe. #brilliantblogposts

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  • May 20, 2016 at 10:51 am
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    I love this post, and I agree babies can certainly be arseholes! My youngest is five weeks and from my experience with my first born, constant screaming and me refusing to succumb to a dummy, I gave number two child a dummy in the hospital! I’m a lover of sleep and the dummy gives me that. All hail the dummy!

    #StayClassy

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  • May 20, 2016 at 11:47 am
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    Love it! The things we say before we become parents…TM hasn’t been interested in dummies but he sucks his thumb which is GREAT haha. I certainly have nothing against them. Anything to make our lives easier, I think. #StayClassy

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  • May 20, 2016 at 12:08 pm
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    we never used a dummy, i don’t judge those that do either! My other half bought me a dummy for my birthday when I was 2 months pregnant. We found them at 6 months when we’d gone past the point of needing them. Oops #stayclassy

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  • May 20, 2016 at 7:50 pm
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    Oh my god, this is HIGHLY relevant to my life right now. My son is now 5 months, almost 6. I’m going back to work on June 6th, SO in an effort to try and get him to sleep through the night, I have got rid of the dummy. Although from your post it seems that it was fairly simple, you just got rid of it and then a day later he was fine. I was exactly the same as you, totally against dummies, thought it was lazy parenting. But when my son would NOT STOP CRYING I finally gave in, and it was a miracle. But now, I feel that it wakes him up at night and I am constantly going to put the dummy back in his mouth. I’ll let you know how it goes, so far he’s been crying, not too long though only about 5 – 10 minutes then falls asleep. STILL I hate when he cries. Thanks for being the best co-host #StayClassy!

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  • May 20, 2016 at 10:36 pm
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    I look back at the crazy things I said pre-baby. I mean, honestly, did I know ANYTHING about kids?! I can’t tell you how many times I tried the dummy, but my son just wasn’t having it. He knew I kept the real thing under my shirt, and he was only happy with that. Little stink. #StayClassy

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  • May 21, 2016 at 6:33 am
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    Agree with you 100%, I love how blissfully naive I was way back in the time before kids. I actually forked out a small fortune on organic, natural cotton pieces of cloth stuff for nappies and told anyone who would listen about the trouble with landfill and disposable nappies……well, easy to see how that turned out on day 1 of new baby!!

    mainy

    #stayclassy

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  • May 25, 2016 at 6:33 am
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    I didnt actually get a choice as scbu gave my baby one without asking… but this was to improve her suck. I continued this at home as she enjoyed the comfort. However, at about 6 months old she took herself off them… she decided she didn’t want them anymore. So actually I was really lucky x
    #brilliantblogpost

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  • May 25, 2016 at 4:42 pm
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    My eldest was more taken with them than little one. I think for me how they were used is what determined if they were fine. I felt fine for newborns and fine for older babies/toddlers as a sleep aid only (& preferable to thumb sucking!) I didn’t, however, let mine use them for anything other than sleep in bed once they were past newborn stage, as I thought it could be a mistake to let them become a behaviour regulator to stop tantrums, etc, rather than just a sleep aid, plus I didn’t want them to try to babble or talk around them. But, for little ones who like them, I think they can be an amazing help for sleep – a comfort that lets them be happy to settle themselves. & really, even though I’m personally not a huge fan of the idea of older toddlers walking around with them during the day, they all grow out of it eventually, don’t they? You don’t see 10 year olds with them! So it’s not that big a deal! #stayclassy

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  • June 29, 2016 at 4:16 pm
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    I agree – best invention ever! Our daughter had colic so we used them a lot. Then she’d only sleep with a dummy, and only be quiet in the car with a dummy – in the end she had hers til she was 3! Now 5 she’s not at all emotionally scarred and has lovely teeth!

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  • November 27, 2016 at 6:14 am
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    I have to admit, I hate seeing a kid with a dummy in its mouth. But I clearly hated listening to endless screaming more because we have been using one for two years now! The cold turkey has to come soon. New year resolution maybe? She has only just started sleeping through the night so terrified of rocking the boat!

    Reply

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