I’m so tired.
I feel anxious and on edge. I feel harassed.
I feel like a watered down version of a few years ago when my anxiety was at its highest. I don’t want to go to bed, I feel a bit sick, I get the occasional heart thud for no apparent reason.
My temper is short, my concentration lacking and I can’t watch the news or talk about anything stressful.
I’ve got twitchy leg syndrome here and there. I’m sitting at my desk or on the sofa and I’ll realise that I’m constantly jogging a leg or furiously wiggling my toes.

This, magnified is how I used to feel every day, all the time.
 I know why this is happening, there is a lot going on in our little world. We are working, we have commitments, and there are birthdays and MOTs coming up. Colleagues are going on holidays and I have to hold the fort for a bit, we are mid-way through selling our house, I have a parcel to pick up, my husband is working this weekend. I need to get a prescription in this week, I need to buy nappies on my lunch break, there’s a washing pile as tall as me and the traffic is horrendous.

Sometimes I worry that my anxiety is going to come back.

But then I remember that it never actually went away. It didn’t go, I didn’t get cured. There wasn’t some magical moment that made me all better.

It just got side-lined. I got busy, pre-occupied, I got less stressed. I got happier and I crawled out of my head a bit.
And without realising it I started to do things out of my comfort zone.

I grew a human being, I had an emergency C-Section, I got my baby to sleep through the night. I moved house.

I started talking to people I didn’t know. I started talking to people with confidence.
I went back to work and sucked it up despite the way I was treated.
I taught my baby to walk. I taught my baby how to blow kisses.
I started eating in restaurants, I got in a lift, I got on a train. I quit my job of ten years, I got a better one.
I made new friends, I went on courses on my own. I learnt new skills.
I got back to the person I was before anxiety.

And I like this person. This person lets herself have a good time. This person’s world is wider. This person isn’t restricted by the limits she’s imposed on herself. This person is happy.

So I know I’m feeling jumpy this week but I know it will pass.

I know it will, because I am in charge.
“If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.”  Amit Ray

“I’ve got 99 problems and 97 of them are completely made up scenarios in my head, that I’m stressing about for absolutely no logical reason.”

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