I work five days a week, full time.
Every now and then, every couple of months or so I take a days paid leave from work and spend it on my own.
I could spend it with my Son. But I don’t, I send him off to Nursery as usual.
And so, here’s the thing:
I don’t feel guilty about this, I don’t give a tiny rats-arse. He’s fine, he loves Nursery and he loves his routine.
I need to be alone, just me, where there is silence.
Do you know that during the course of a normal week the only time I get to myself, the only silence I get is on my drive to and home from work? That’s approximately thirty minutes in total.
Everyday, thirty minutes.
I’m not complaining, I’m just explaining.
There’s only been a handful of these days so far, I’ve been back working full time for just over a year now. But as I use one up, I book another in for a couple of months time. I don’t do anything major, I don’t spend all day at a Spa. I don’t run for the hills or disappear into some drink and drugged fueled daze.
I just do whatever I feel like.
I’ve done the food shop, taken a nap, hung up curtains, had my eyebrows waxed. I’ve been to the cinema, I should have cleaned the oven but I didn’t. I’ve stayed home, in my PJ’s and watched an entire season of GIRLS in seven hours.
I write blog posts.
I went to the Mcdonalds drive thru with no bra on.
If I didn’t take this day every now and then, I think I might go crazy. I need to get off schedule, get off everyone elses schedule and just hear my own voice in my head.
I need the silence.
From the moment you step onto that boat of parenthood, every single decision you make is required to be entirely self-less. You must abandon your wants, needs and former self and give everything to another and put their needs first. Couple that with a full time job and your life is no longer your own, you run from one demand to another in a constant state of exhaustion and confusion.
I love it.
It occupies my mind, I’m no longer afraid like I used to be.
But I hate it too and that is why I need these days, every now and then.
Just so I can hear the silence.