If you have a young child who regularly attends a Nursery or Pre-school or anything where small kids gather en-masse, you will know that we are now rapidly approaching Germ-ageddon.

That’s right folks, November is coming – the start of the Nursery Bug Season. Four long months of snot mopping and Olbas Oil stained pillow cases. Four months of chesty coughs and conjunctivitis.

Four fucking months.

Like the incomprehensible idiot that I am, I’ve doubly screwed us this year by sending Finley to not just one but two germ packed breeding grounds. From next month he’ll be at his usual Nursery one day a week plus spending a morning at the local village fight club Pre School.

So here’s how Germ-ageddon generally goes down…..

One crap, rainy morning in early November you take your child to Nursery, you remove their shoes, say goodbye and on the door you notice a little laminated sign:

‘Bug’ Alert Notice  !!!!!

It will most likely be accompanied by several explanation marks and a completely irrelevant emoji.

nerd-face
What does this even mean?

We have been notified of cases of the Norovirus amongst our Pre-Schoolers. Please be vigilant for symptoms and keep your child at home if they are unwell.

Be vigilant for symptoms? Like playing dodge the projectile vomit isn’t obvious enough?

Look the sign is all very well and good but who exactly has the shits? That’s the information I need. You can tell me on the sly, I won’t tell. Is it one of the kids my son plays with? Is it that girl you say he always shares his snack with?

It’s her isn’t it? It’s her. Fucking Abigail.
For fucks sake.

You see the problem is, its not just the fact that your kid gets sick. It’s that your kid gets sick, you get sick, your whole house gets sick and The Butterfly Effect is disastrous.

Like an asteroid, if you will.

The first effect is that you cannot send your child back to Nursery.

Why The Fuck Not?

Well because a) that’s a terrible thing to do and you should be looking after your poorly baby, you despicable human being (hello to the judgy-mc-judgy-pants brigade!) and b) he will spread the fucking bug further and the Nursery Nazi task force will laminate a new sign – all about you.

What Does This Mean?

Well I’ll tell you what it fucking means. It means you take two days unpaid off work to look after your child. It means you’ve paid two days of Nursery fees upfront, that will not get refunded because apparently it’s not their fault .

This means you are literally £200 out of pocket and so for the last week of the month you have to put your food shop and petrol on your credit card.

See? The Fucking Butterfly Effect.

emoji.jpg
A far more relevant emoji.

And in conclusion, there is absolutely nothing you can do about all this. The End Is Nigh, the Hand, Foot and Mouth is coming.

The Impertigo’s gonna get ya.

So God-speed and I’ll see you on the other side.

Germ-ageddon

20 thoughts on “Germ-ageddon

  • October 17, 2016 at 7:11 am
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    I can see this waiting for me in January when I’ll have to leave the monkey in nursery so I can go back to work

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  • October 19, 2016 at 3:02 pm
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    Is it bad to send your child (who might be a bit poorly but not dying or anything) to nursey to get your money’s worth as so bloody expensive?*
    *asking for a friend (ahem)

    Reply
  • October 20, 2016 at 7:13 am
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    I dread it when September rolls round. We’ve had 3 colds, FUCKING THREE, since the return of pre-school. #stayclassy

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  • October 20, 2016 at 7:55 am
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    and the things creches’/nurseries wont admit is that keeping the kids off is pointless because by the time theyre vomiting all over the place or covered in spots its too late – the damage has been done and everyone has their grubby little germs. Solidarity sister. #stayclassymama

    Reply
  • October 20, 2016 at 8:23 am
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    It’s started here already! Since September we’ve had tonsillitis, fevers, colds and funnily enough, hand foot and mouth!! I’m in a constant state of panic about catching their germs and being taken down with them!! #stayclassymama

    Reply
  • October 20, 2016 at 9:59 am
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    Literally week one in school in September it started. The tickle, the cough. The watery eyes. First big, then little, then the Mrs. I’ve washed the derma off my hands in avoidance. HELP! #Stayclassymama feel better! And for us all, please no Lice! Please!

    Reply
  • October 20, 2016 at 11:12 am
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    It continues through primary and then constant colds, headaches, unnamed virus’ through Secondary…Germ-ageddon shows no let-up 🙁 I feel your pain. Alison x #StayClassyMama

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  • October 20, 2016 at 11:17 am
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    Mine don’t attend a nursery, but I can imagine how horrible it is when you little ones comes home with yet another bug. I’s like fresher’s flu all over again!

    #stayclassymama

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  • October 20, 2016 at 1:33 pm
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    Every time I see some snotty faced little kid sneezing into the faces of everyone around them I want to start sending mine to school with a surgical mask on #stayclassy

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  • October 20, 2016 at 12:50 pm
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    Cold season it THE WORST. The autumn my daughter started nursery, we may have just as well painted a black X on our front door. The whole house was infected most weeks! #stayclassymamam

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  • October 20, 2016 at 12:51 pm
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    It’s a never ending cycle isn’t it. An annoying one at that! Hope you have a good snotty season rather than a snott-filled one 🙂 .. #stayclassymama

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  • October 20, 2016 at 2:22 pm
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    I’m laughing and crying at the same time. Norovirus and all that other crap is just THE WORST! And can that dreaded Hand Foot and Mouth plague be called something else? For some reason that name makes me cringe; it sounds like something one catches from animal hooves.

    Reply
  • October 20, 2016 at 2:49 pm
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    Oh this is absolutely hilarious, but yes- it’s such a nightmare! We don’t have nursery or preschool or school to worry about yet but we tend to pick up all the colds from toddler groups, soft play or my nieces and nephews. And why does a cold mean my 10 month old won’t sleep? WHY?? #stayclassymama

    Reply
  • October 20, 2016 at 3:45 pm
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    Our family has been lucky to not see the dreaded sign outside of the door, but now I will anxiously await the inevitability. My twins had norovirus on Christmas Day and tossed chunks so violently that I thought their heads were going to spin off of their bodies. Hopefully my kids will never get it again. It’s only fair, right? Christmas Day, for God’s sake! That Norovirus Bastard better keep on going past my kids…..
    #StayClassyMama

    Reply
  • October 20, 2016 at 7:11 pm
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    Oh, FFS. The Popple has come home with enough nursery bugs already and she’s only been in since June – I dread to think what the winter might bring. Snotty noses and projectile vomiting all around, I suspect. Balls. #stayclassymama

    Reply
  • October 22, 2016 at 9:10 am
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    Argh! I already have a sore throat that I know I picked up from a baby my daughter plays with whose childminder assured me she was better and I know we are now in the cycle of all being snotty until Spring. But the nursery fees are real salt in the wound. #stayclassymama

    Reply
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