1. You Don’t Need All That Cotton Wool
You’ve bought shit loads of cotton wool, in like 5 different varieties – you are completely ridiculous. From Day Two you will be using baby wipes because cotton wool is a giant pain in the arse.
2. Don’t Re-decorate Your House
You’ve got someone coming in to re-paint every wall during the first week of your maternity leave. What are you thinking? Its August, its 30 degrees, you live in a tiny little flat and you are the size of a house. Fool.
4. Buy More Muslins
You have one pack of seven. That’s not a weeks worth, that’s a mornings worth. You’re about to get an education in baby puke.
5. Buy Dummies
Yes I know, you would never give your child a dummy – it looks horrible, they don’t need it bla bla bla. By Day Five you will be begging for dummies, you will be making deals with the Devil for fucking dummies but you won’t have any at 3am and you’ll be screwed.
6. You Do Not Need a Baby Bath
Newborn babys don’t need major bathing and if they do a quick strip wash or a dip in the sink is perfectly adequate. Trying to hold the baby with one hand and wash it with the other is near on impossible.
7. Let Your Mum Do Your Washing
Yes I know, you’re a strong, independent and capable woman who doesn’t need her Mother doing her washing. You guys can do this all on your own, you don’t need help. Trouble is you’re about to have an emergency C-section and not sleep a wink for 6 solid nights. You can barely fart without pain, let alone do a wash, so prepare to swallow some pride and accept all the help you can get your hands on.
8. Baby’s Don’t Need Shoes
They can’t walk, you do realise this? You own three fucking pairs of baby shoes, you will put one pair on him once – realise they look ridiculous and banish them to the back of the cupboard never to be seen again.
9. You Are Going to Co-Sleep with Your Baby
I know its hard to accept. You are sworn against such things. You’re not some crazy hippy, bed sharing Mummy. But the minute you give into it and start the co-sleeping you’ll all start to sleep a bit longer and a bit better.
10. Everything is Going to Be Ok
It is, actually. As it turns out you’re not that bad at all this Mummy stuff. So just try to relax and enjoy the ride. Its going to be a long one and its going to be a good one.
Did I miss anything?
Post yours below!